Yesterday, I discovered something wonderful: a trove of cheesy, made-for-TV holiday specials on Netflix, all boasting a variation on the same theme. I watched 3 while working on my Christmas crochet projects. It was a glorious way to spend a snowed-in Sunday.
The binge reminded me that while I do love Holiday Specials, they can sometimes be cringe-inducingly (and sometimes intolerably) cliche, smacking you in the face with the same messages over and over about (re)discovering the true spirit of the holiday, showing kindness, cherishing every moment, appreciating the people in your life and letting them know you do, being grateful for what you have, giving to those who have less, etc. This is especially true, I've noticed, when a character has cancer.
Here's the thing though, these (predominantly) family channel movies may punch you in the gut with so many blatant lessons of morality that it makes your eyes roll, but that doesn't mean the messages are untrue, or unimportant. As someone who finds themselves living out one of those cliche cancer patient movies, I increasingly find myself having the very same "revelations" as the holiday special heroines.
There are three themes in particular that dominate my thoughts of late.
1. Smile more.
If you can't do anything about whatever is making you sad, thinking about how sad it is and how sad you are will just make you more sad => cycle of sadness :(. If, however, you can find a so-called silver lining, you'll feel less sad. And if you continue to find more, you get practice at finding silver linings, and then it gets easier to find them, and soon you don't have to look for them anymore they're just obvious and *presto changeo* => cycle of happiness => more smiling => more endorphins :D
My friend Shannon summarizes nicely: "While we go through bad times, eventually we'll go through good times once again. Statistically speaking, the good and bad cancel out to a net zero effect, but with the right attitude the positives can take precedence and we can start to see the negatives as building towards a positive result." 'zactly.
If you can do something about what's making you said, whatever are you waiting for?
1b. Do things that make other people smile. It will make you smile too. Don't buy your friend a gift basket for Christmas, spend time with them, and reserve time to do so in the future (see number 2). When we were kids my sister and I would make up little coupon booklets for our parents with IOUs for extra chores and breakfasts in bed. I would totally dig a coupon booklet for Christmas.
2. Pay attention.
Don't just go to the party or family dinner, BE there. Enjoy it, savour it, make moments to think of when you're having trouble with number 1. Good things are happening all around you. Don't miss out. "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." Word to John Lennon.
3. Trust the universe
This is not meant as a passive statement. I don't mean to suggest we should sit back and observe our lives with faith that everything will turn out peachy without any effort. Rubbish. Sometimes the universe hands you a pretty sweet deal, but usually after a lot of effort, and then you still have to notice it, accept it, and sometimes recognize that it isn't exactly in the format that you expected. So, trust the universe to present you with the opportunities that you have earned, but pay attention so as not to miss them, and maybe you'll have reason to smile more. See what I did there? :)
My current silver lining opportunity: our Love the Snatch campaign. It would not have happened without my diagnosis, and was certainly not a direction I expected to be pointing my efforts. But we have a vision and big dreams for where it could go, and I find myself feeling much more excited, optimistic, and generally forward looking than I expected to be when they told me I had cancer.
Health Update
Speaking of cancer, a brief update on where I am right now. My chemo is done (woot!) and my MRI shows no visible tumor (double woot!). I had a successful surgery a little over a week ago to move my ovaries. They live up under my ribs now, hopefully out of the field of radiation, so that I will continue to have hormones in my life (tripple woot).
The surgery was relatively minor. I felt sore very sore for a couple of days and had trouble getting out of chairs and such, but was mostly able to manage on my own thanks to frequent Tabata planks. One of my abs felt strained, I suspect due to the inflation of my stomach so the doctor could see in there (he said I had a "lovely belly - very easy to work with...I don't expect to receive that sort of compliment ever again!). The worst part was actually the trapped C02 gas, which hangs out next to your diaphragm causing radiating shoulder pain. It's like normal gas, except you can't fart/burp it out because it's in a body cavity, not your stomach, and so you have to just walk around until it absorbs in your body. Meanwhile, it acts like the bubble in a level; every time I bent over or rolled to my other side it gurgled pver to the most upward facing pat of my body. Horrid. It's been 1.5 weeks and I did my first WOD with no more than 15 lbs, no jumping or situps, and slow controlled movements and nothing split open or seems otherwise worse for the effort.
Radiation starts at the end of December and will involve treatments 5x per week for 5 weeks with the aim of zapping any stray cells that might see fit to wander elsewhere and cause trouble.
I'm feeling generally back to normal energy-wise. I have lost strength, but not any weight (stay tuned for the body composition analysis to see if I lost any muscle). Looking forward to getting back to lifting now that I'm not being poisoned! See you around the gym!
Monday 16 December 2013
Monday 4 November 2013
Time for an Update!
I'm having trouble coming up with a way to adequately sum up how grateful I feel for the unbelievable outpouring of support I have received since my last post. My freezer is full of donated paleo meals, I've had people reach out to me that I don't even know, and I can't even count the number of people who have offered to give me a ride or keep me company.
Within hours of telling you all about my cancer, coach Jen had organized a fundraiser on my behalf to be held at our box, CrossFit Altitude in Burlington. The fundraiser was an enormous success; Justin and Chris concocted a math-themed workout for everyone to do (I beta tested it before my treatments started, it was awesome :), there were silent auction items, bracelets with "kicking cancer one snatch at a time", and custom designed (thanks Shawn!) and printed tshirts (thanks Carrie!). There must have been a couple hundred people, many from other gyms, and they all donated far more money than felt worthy of accepting. I'm not normally speechless. I was then, and still am when I think about it.
It's been over a month now since my diagnosis, and I've had some time to reflect. Those reflections are summarized in the Nov/Dec issue of Sweat RX magazine, which you can order from their website or find at your local Chapters/Indigo, so I won't repeat them here. But suffice it to say that I found myself fortified and, in turn, inspired by the response of others to my original blog post. Thank you all.
The Fund, and Future Fundraising
I now have a comfortable buffer to counter any expenses that arise that are not covered by OHIP thanks to my incredible crossfit community. When I am better and am sure I don't need any more of it, I will be donating the remainder to a fund that I found created specifically to support research into this very rare cancer that no one is researching (small cell carcinoma of the cervix or SCCC). They have tried to do trials in the past, but they could only find 3 participants at one time and had to cancel it! The first project of this fund was an educational website for people with this cancer, and their families and doctors, compiling what is known. The next big project is to create a registry of past and present sufferers of this cancer to compile all of their treatment and outcome data. The creators of this fund also started a facebook support group, which has been a really wonderful place to meet and talk to other people facing the same things.
We are also currently working on having "Love the Snatch; fight cervical cancer" tshirts (featuring my silhoutte performing a snatch!) made up and printed to raise more funds. The first printing will be sold at CompWOD's Best of the Best competition on Nov 16. The shirts are great quality, the design looks great, and who doesn't love a good snatch joke, am I right?
How I've been doing
I thought it might be helpful to summarize how things have been going. You're still allowed to ask me in person, I don't mind :) I finished my second round of chemo last week and have one more to go before radiation and, honestly, it's hasn't been too bad. I get 3 days of IV chemo in a row, then 2.5 weeks off. In general, I sleep about 10 hours these days. Treatment week, I'm extra tired and just take short walks. I don't feel much like eating but I'm simultaneously starving because of the steroid. I mostly only feel like eating soup type meals, and crave a lot of bread and potatoes (I would kill for a saltine), but have been able to stick to the ketogenic diet (starving my cancer cells, woot!). I'm eating very normally except for treatment week, and haven't lost or gained any weight.
By one week after treatment I feel pretty normal again and am able to do short workouts. I've been keeping a log and will report on these eventually. I don't set an alarm anymore, I sleep as long as I need to, but I've been able to work part time in between treatments, which I'm glad for because a person can only watch so much TV! I've been able to go out for dinner, hang out with people, and otherwise live normally. I just sleep longer, take naps, and have an excuse to do so, which is probably the best perk of this whole ordeal!
The weirdest side effect has been some numbness in my hands and slow/weak muscle response, but that goes away after a week as well. Fingers crossed it will continue to do so in future rounds. My radiation will start mid-november and hopefully it will be just as painless.
How I found out
One of the first things people seem to ask me is how I found out. Since cervical cancer is one of the most preventable and can often be detected earlier than most, I don't mind sharing. In May I went for my regular annual physical, and the doctor did not see anything abnormal. I did not get a pap at this time, because paps are only every 3 years now and I had had a normal one the year before. In principle, I am very much against this change in policy, but my particular cancer tends not to show up in paps in the pre-cancerous "abnormal cell" stage like many others do, so it likely would not have made a difference in my case. In June/July I noticed bleeding outside of my cycle that seemed different. I went to the doctor again in August and asked for a pap and exam. She could see the tumor, and sent me to the gynocologist right away for a biopsy. The gynocologist took one, but was convinced it was just a fibroid given its rapid appearance; most cervical cancers grow much more slowly than my mutant variety (aren't I just the overachiever). Obviously she was incorrect, although I'm not in the least bit upset with her. I would rather have spent that week believing it was no big deal than all stressed about it waiting for results.
After about a week the labs came back and at my follow up appointment I was told they were cancerous, and that there was no chance of error. I was given an oncologist referral and told nothing else except that the cells had been sent out to be confirmed because they thought it might be some rare type. I remembered the words "small cell" and had an inkling that was not a good thing. Thank goodness I had the sense to avoid the google worm hole because the recurrence rates for this beast are not rosy. I feel extremely fortunate that someone recognized the rare cells right away so I avoided some of the experiences of other women with this cancer who were told it could be swiftly disposed of with a simple surgery, before it was discovered to be Sccc. The course of treatment is very different and much more aggressive than your typical case. I also am very fortunate to live in this area where my case was immediately forwarded to a doctor who has dealt with it several times before. With so little information available, most women with this cancer become guinea pigs. My doctor has been successful with his course of action, and seemed confident that he would be so again.
So here we are. Two rounds of chemo down and not too much to complain about so far!
The WOD
Here's the blog post for my fundraiser WOD. Thanks for all the warm and fuzzies guys :)
Then 1 round of
3 chest to bar pull ups
14 power cleans 85/135
3 hand stand push ups
14 full cleans
3 pistols per leg
14 jerks
Then 70 double unders
Within hours of telling you all about my cancer, coach Jen had organized a fundraiser on my behalf to be held at our box, CrossFit Altitude in Burlington. The fundraiser was an enormous success; Justin and Chris concocted a math-themed workout for everyone to do (I beta tested it before my treatments started, it was awesome :), there were silent auction items, bracelets with "kicking cancer one snatch at a time", and custom designed (thanks Shawn!) and printed tshirts (thanks Carrie!). There must have been a couple hundred people, many from other gyms, and they all donated far more money than felt worthy of accepting. I'm not normally speechless. I was then, and still am when I think about it.
It's been over a month now since my diagnosis, and I've had some time to reflect. Those reflections are summarized in the Nov/Dec issue of Sweat RX magazine, which you can order from their website or find at your local Chapters/Indigo, so I won't repeat them here. But suffice it to say that I found myself fortified and, in turn, inspired by the response of others to my original blog post. Thank you all.
The Fund, and Future Fundraising
I now have a comfortable buffer to counter any expenses that arise that are not covered by OHIP thanks to my incredible crossfit community. When I am better and am sure I don't need any more of it, I will be donating the remainder to a fund that I found created specifically to support research into this very rare cancer that no one is researching (small cell carcinoma of the cervix or SCCC). They have tried to do trials in the past, but they could only find 3 participants at one time and had to cancel it! The first project of this fund was an educational website for people with this cancer, and their families and doctors, compiling what is known. The next big project is to create a registry of past and present sufferers of this cancer to compile all of their treatment and outcome data. The creators of this fund also started a facebook support group, which has been a really wonderful place to meet and talk to other people facing the same things.
We are also currently working on having "Love the Snatch; fight cervical cancer" tshirts (featuring my silhoutte performing a snatch!) made up and printed to raise more funds. The first printing will be sold at CompWOD's Best of the Best competition on Nov 16. The shirts are great quality, the design looks great, and who doesn't love a good snatch joke, am I right?
How I've been doing
I thought it might be helpful to summarize how things have been going. You're still allowed to ask me in person, I don't mind :) I finished my second round of chemo last week and have one more to go before radiation and, honestly, it's hasn't been too bad. I get 3 days of IV chemo in a row, then 2.5 weeks off. In general, I sleep about 10 hours these days. Treatment week, I'm extra tired and just take short walks. I don't feel much like eating but I'm simultaneously starving because of the steroid. I mostly only feel like eating soup type meals, and crave a lot of bread and potatoes (I would kill for a saltine), but have been able to stick to the ketogenic diet (starving my cancer cells, woot!). I'm eating very normally except for treatment week, and haven't lost or gained any weight.
By one week after treatment I feel pretty normal again and am able to do short workouts. I've been keeping a log and will report on these eventually. I don't set an alarm anymore, I sleep as long as I need to, but I've been able to work part time in between treatments, which I'm glad for because a person can only watch so much TV! I've been able to go out for dinner, hang out with people, and otherwise live normally. I just sleep longer, take naps, and have an excuse to do so, which is probably the best perk of this whole ordeal!
The weirdest side effect has been some numbness in my hands and slow/weak muscle response, but that goes away after a week as well. Fingers crossed it will continue to do so in future rounds. My radiation will start mid-november and hopefully it will be just as painless.
How I found out
One of the first things people seem to ask me is how I found out. Since cervical cancer is one of the most preventable and can often be detected earlier than most, I don't mind sharing. In May I went for my regular annual physical, and the doctor did not see anything abnormal. I did not get a pap at this time, because paps are only every 3 years now and I had had a normal one the year before. In principle, I am very much against this change in policy, but my particular cancer tends not to show up in paps in the pre-cancerous "abnormal cell" stage like many others do, so it likely would not have made a difference in my case. In June/July I noticed bleeding outside of my cycle that seemed different. I went to the doctor again in August and asked for a pap and exam. She could see the tumor, and sent me to the gynocologist right away for a biopsy. The gynocologist took one, but was convinced it was just a fibroid given its rapid appearance; most cervical cancers grow much more slowly than my mutant variety (aren't I just the overachiever). Obviously she was incorrect, although I'm not in the least bit upset with her. I would rather have spent that week believing it was no big deal than all stressed about it waiting for results.
After about a week the labs came back and at my follow up appointment I was told they were cancerous, and that there was no chance of error. I was given an oncologist referral and told nothing else except that the cells had been sent out to be confirmed because they thought it might be some rare type. I remembered the words "small cell" and had an inkling that was not a good thing. Thank goodness I had the sense to avoid the google worm hole because the recurrence rates for this beast are not rosy. I feel extremely fortunate that someone recognized the rare cells right away so I avoided some of the experiences of other women with this cancer who were told it could be swiftly disposed of with a simple surgery, before it was discovered to be Sccc. The course of treatment is very different and much more aggressive than your typical case. I also am very fortunate to live in this area where my case was immediately forwarded to a doctor who has dealt with it several times before. With so little information available, most women with this cancer become guinea pigs. My doctor has been successful with his course of action, and seemed confident that he would be so again.
So here we are. Two rounds of chemo down and not too much to complain about so far!
The WOD
Here's the blog post for my fundraiser WOD. Thanks for all the warm and fuzzies guys :)
This
wod is the Brain Child of Justin O'Quinn and Chris Lindley- the explanation
behind it is as follows...
Jen really
hates double unders but she conquers them regardless of how many are in a wod or
how long it takes. This determination will help in her battle.
There is no one like Jen when it comes to doing things with good form and
never giving up. I think her middle name is persistence.
The rep scheme
is because Jen is a self proclaimed "math nerd" and PI is her
favorite number- "3.14" . The variety of movements is to represent
the hard work and effort that Jen puts into all of her skills and her attention
to form on everything she does. There is a total of 3 rounds,
representing the 3 of Pi, and the 141 double unders represents the .141 (71
+70)/ When you do this wod today, remember to use good form like JY
would and to count all your reps fairly- JY would never cheat a rep- so nor
should you!
JY-Pi:
3.14 "LOVE
THE SNATCH- FIGHTING CERVICAL CANCER ONE SNATCH AT A TIME"
For TIME
The time cap is 26.19- this is how long Jen took to do it. Weight
on the bar is 135/85- if you are up for the challenge then scale UP!!
71 double
unders
Then 2 rounds of
3 power snatch
14 box jumps
3 full snatch
14 toes to bar
3 overhead squats
14 burpees
Then 2 rounds of
3 power snatch
14 box jumps
3 full snatch
14 toes to bar
3 overhead squats
14 burpees
Then 1 round of
3 chest to bar pull ups
14 power cleans 85/135
3 hand stand push ups
14 full cleans
3 pistols per leg
14 jerks
Then 70 double unders
Tuesday 17 September 2013
How CrossFit has prepared me to fight cancer (btw, I have cancer)
I haven’t posted in long while. My spare time has been
filled with my new part-time jobs coaching at CFA, and writing for Sweat RX
magazine (getting paid to write has unfortunately trumped writing up recipes
for free on the interwebs :). I am sad
to say that it is not a tasty new dish that has me busting out my slightly
rusty blog again; I decided to hijack my own recipe space to share en mass some
recent news and subsequent reflections.
The News
On Sept 6 I found out that I have cervical cancer. I spent
10 very anxious days having no idea how bad it was or what was coming next and
finally, yesterday, the results of some extra testing confirmed that it is a
small cell neuro-endocrine tumor. This
is a particularly nasty sort that normally lives in the lungs, apparently, and
has a tendency to spread. It is also very rare. My Doctor is apparently
somewhat of a Bigwig, and he and his Biggerwig colleague have seen only a dozen
cases in their 20 years. However, I’ve caught it fairly early, and Bigwig
assures me he has killed much larger beasts of its kind. I will kill it also. But it will come at the
cost of several weeks of chemo (I start next week), then several weeks of
radiation and probably major surgery, to make sure it doesn’t resurrect.
I don’t know if I will feel well enough to move, let along
work out; some people are knocked on their asses, while others feel mostly
fine, but I hope to visit CFA nevertheless as much as possible.
That’s the Readers Digest version. To those in my life, please don’t
be shy about talking to me about it. I (probably) won’t burst into tears.
Ladies especially, I’m very willing to talk about the details of discovery and
diagnosis if you’re curious (men, don’t worry, I won’t start talking about the
cervix here ;).
So onward to the philosophical part and the motivation for
the title of this post.
The Ramblings
During those 10 days of waiting, and even today after
learning the gory details, I find that I’ve actually surprised myself by not
having a 24 hour meltdown. My cousin went through a similar ordeal ~5 years ago
(also cervical cancer under the age of 30, coincidentally) and I distinctly
remember thinking, “I don’t know how she’s so strong and positive, I would be a
mess.” And when I first found out, I was a mess, for about 5 hours. But then,
channeling my cousin, I gathered my composure and I went to my box to coach and
to work out, because that’s what I’d planned to do, and I didn’t particularly
feel like crying anymore.
It was a surreal experience, watching everyone around me
carry on as though their world hadn’t just stopped spinning….because for them,
it hadn’t. I have a new appreciation for this: you never know what’s going on
in someone else’s life. Be kind, always.
I capped the very surreal day with a doozie of a WOD (100
burpees, interspersed with either 2 rope climbs or 5 deadlifts, every minute on
the minute) that left me weeping (only half because of the rope climbs) in a
heap on the floor.
I have had the occasional
meltdown since then; last Sunday the frustration of 200 doubl-unders squeezed the emotion right out of me and I found
myself sobbing in the back lot during the rest period. But these periods of stress and panic are far
fewer than I had expected, which has lead me to conclude that CrossFit has made
me far more capable of handling the Real Life unknown and unknowable than I
ever imagined possible.
CrossFit, and especially competing in CrossFit, has trained
me to accept what I can’t control. I don’t pick the daily WOD, I don’t
influence who else shows up to compete, and I certainly can’t do much about
their performance and eventual score. Fretting about what others are doing (or
what has happened to other people with cancer) won’t help me to do better. Whining
about a workout won’t change it, and no amount of moping is going to make my
cancer disappear.
As I sat in my car in the parking lot after the first news, having a good cry and wondering how I would deal with what was to come, something Brit said once,
ages ago, came sharply to mind. “You know,” she said, “if I lost a leg or
something, I’d just go win the Paralympics instead.” She may have been joking,
but it struck me as inadvertently profound life advice. More recently, I
interviewed Stouty, an adaptive athlete and fantastic crossfitter, who lost the
use of both legs and actually DID go win at the Paralympics.
I am entirely in charge of my own actions and attitude. I can’t
control what the treatment will do to my body, but I can do my best to prepare
it with good food and sleep, and I can manage my stress by staying as positive as
possible.
I am approaching this cancer as I would approach a heavy
bar; determined, ready, and convinced that it will go overhead, because I trust
that I have trained sufficiently. I know that my body is in the best shape it’s
ever been in, and I trust that crossfit and paleo have made my body as strong
as it possibly can be.
I feel physically prepared to win this battle, but I also
feel mentally prepared. This last 10 days has proven to me that even though “Murph”
and “Fran” make me feel anxious over the pain I know is coming, I also know,
without a doubt, that I will finish them, one way or another, and that you all
will be there cheering until the very last rep.
I refuse to let this disease dictate my every waking moment.
I will not let it take the joy from things I love to do, and the people I love
to be with. CFA is my sanctuary; a place
where I know that I can go and forget the world for an hour of shared pain and
exhaustion, or find a hug if I need one. Thank you all for making CFA the place
that has prepared me for this, and that I am confident will help me through it.
Tuesday 1 January 2013
Resolving to Rewire for the New Year
I've never been much for New Year's Resolutions. My reasons are not unique; like many have written before me I feel they just set you up for disappointment. They are band-aids, not treatments, as are most of our supposed solutions to health problems and world problems alike.
I do think, however, that there is one conceptual resolution worth making that, if you are successful, will enable you to keep all of your more specific resolutions (perhaps without even trying): resolve to re-wire your brain.
Easier said than done, certainly, but also easier to train your brain once than to harass yourself each and every time you should work out but don't, eat the cookies, or choose the pasta instead of the chicken.
2. Change your relationship with food
This is something I've written about before, and probably the biggest non-physical change that I have experienced since beginning CrossFit. In short, I started seeing food as fuel instead of the thing that was making me fat. Guilt, regret, and shame do nothing but make you unhappy. When I see food as necessary and beneficial fuel, it's easier to make good choices because I know how crummy my body will feel in the next day's workout (and all day, really) if I don't.
3. Practice good choices (and they'll get easier)
So I just went to find the link to a previous post where I discussed a thing I'd read about how you can re-wire your brain and change habits through repetition....Apparently I wrote a whole post about new year's resolutions last year entitled Practice Stuff You Suck At....which really should have been "Practice stuff at which you suck, I think, but nevermind). Anyway if you'd like some elaboration follow the link so I'm not any more redundant than I already have been!
Happy New Year!
I do think, however, that there is one conceptual resolution worth making that, if you are successful, will enable you to keep all of your more specific resolutions (perhaps without even trying): resolve to re-wire your brain.
Easier said than done, certainly, but also easier to train your brain once than to harass yourself each and every time you should work out but don't, eat the cookies, or choose the pasta instead of the chicken.
- Replace "should" with "would" or "could"
2. Change your relationship with food
This is something I've written about before, and probably the biggest non-physical change that I have experienced since beginning CrossFit. In short, I started seeing food as fuel instead of the thing that was making me fat. Guilt, regret, and shame do nothing but make you unhappy. When I see food as necessary and beneficial fuel, it's easier to make good choices because I know how crummy my body will feel in the next day's workout (and all day, really) if I don't.
3. Practice good choices (and they'll get easier)
So I just went to find the link to a previous post where I discussed a thing I'd read about how you can re-wire your brain and change habits through repetition....Apparently I wrote a whole post about new year's resolutions last year entitled Practice Stuff You Suck At....which really should have been "Practice stuff at which you suck, I think, but nevermind). Anyway if you'd like some elaboration follow the link so I'm not any more redundant than I already have been!
Happy New Year!
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